As I sat down here in a busy mall, I took a moment to reflect on my life. On how to chart the course of my life from this point onward. I am starting to realize that for the past 5 years or so, I’ve been deluding myself into thinking that marriage and family will complete me. That I will finally settle and be contented. Quite the contrary actually. Throughout this 5 years, I’ve experienced the lowest point in my life. The emotional turbulence seemed to be unbearable that I have even contemplated suicide a couple of times. I shudder to think what would have happened if I have listened to the demon in me.
I survived that phase in my life and here I am sitting in a crowded food court on a Saturday night having dinner all by myself with my 2-month old baby sleeping soundly in her stroller. All the hurt, pain and disappointments have shaped me into the person I am today – stronger and resilient with a clear mind. I also realized that I am wholly responsible for the suffering I put myself through. I have deluded myself into accepting that my happiness is my partner’s responsibility and in the process lose my identity.
I look into the mirror and see someone that I no longer recognize. Someone with a great degree of pain and suffering. Then I go back to the same cycle of deluding myself that I am making a mountain out of a molehill. That I have a wonderful partner which I should be thankful for. So each time I go back to the cycle, I am just sinking deeper and deeper and I wake up feeling lost with no purpose in life. That’s a terrible feeling.
It’s solely my mistake for slowly losing my identity after marriage. Now to get back on track seems extremely difficult. I fall and get up again and the whole process keeps repeating itself over and over again. I find myself clinging on to my husband to make me happy. I allowed fear to blind me and to lose my faith. I feel incompetent. The only consolation is that deep inside me there’s a voice whispering that I have the power to change this way of thinking. That I am the captain of my ship and master of my soul. I have to just listen to the voice and heed its advice.